Busted
by caughtforCarlisle
Summary: Carlisle and Esme can't find privacy in the house, so where do they go? Edward's Volvo...of course Jasper catches them in the 'romp.' rated for language...no lemons.


Disclaimer…SM owns twilight characters and the quirks she gave them.

A/N…I decided to take a break from discipline for a day and give the Cullens some lighthearted fun. Enjoy.

Carlisle's POV.

It was rare that I had a beautiful Saturday morning off like this one from the hospital. The best part about it was that my children were all gone. Well everyone except little Nessie. Esme and I offered to watch our adorable little granddaughter this weekend while her parents were away on a little weekend excursion. I certainly didn't have a problem with that little bundle of joy being in my care. She was precious.

Her joyous laughter brought a smile to my face as I listened to her and Esme upstairs. Esme was singing to her and giving her a bath, so I decided to leave them to it and went downstairs to watch an early football game. I relaxed on our plush leather couch and flipped the TV on. Once I found my station, I adjusted the pillows under my head and propped my socked feet up on the arm rest.

"See ya later, Dad." I turned to see Jasper rush down the stairs.

_What's he doing here?_

I'd heard them leave a while ago. In fact, I knew they were gone because the minute they left the nest, Esme and I decided to share some much needed intimacy. Most of the time we didn't have the privilege of having the house to ourselves, and when we did share our personal moments, it was usually done very quietly to prevent nosy ears from invading our privacy. Unlike some other couples in this house, we were hardly ever 'loud.'

With the exception of Edward and Alice, these extra thick walls pretty much prevented intrusion. Honestly, Edward's mind reading wasn't even a problem anymore since he and Bella moved into their cottage. Alice never mentioned it even though I was sure she saw us before we started. I was convinced that even if she saw us, she would tap out. My baby girl would never impede upon our personal time or give us a hard time about it. Not my sweet angel. She would always be respectful of our 'time' together. That's why I loved my baby.

"Hey, son. I thought you were gone already." I said as he stopped in front of me. He leaned down and hugged me. I hugged him back. "I thought you and the crew would be up to all kinds of mischief by now." I winked at him. "You know how you Cullens are. Natural troublemakers."

He smiled. "I had ta come back and git my phone and my wallet."

"Oh. Can't live without that. I wonder what I ever did without a cell phone when I was a teenager." I said sarcastically. He rolled his eyes.

"Probably talked into a Styrofoam cup through the wall, or stood on the front porch and yelled down the street." He quipped, checking his phone for missed calls or texts. "I'm sure if you needed ta send a text, you typed it on one of them dinosaur typewriters and ran down the street ta deliver it."

"Ha ha ha ha. Very funny." Truthfully I would have been in high cotton if I'd owned a cell phone when I was a lad. Don't even mention having the ability to send and receive a written message via an electronic device. No one would have been able to tell me anything. Nowadays these kids just took that advancement in technology for granted. He smiled and sat at my hip on the couch next to me. I smiled back at him. Oh how I loved my boys, and they loved me. They mostly loved to tease me. I think they existed more for that than anything.

"You asked for that one, Dad." He said. "I mean they probably didn't even have Styrofoam when you were a youngin.'

"Well since you brought it up, smart guy, it was invented by Dow in 1941." I said 'as-a-matter-of-factly." He gave that _"Dad you're weird"_ look. My wealth of knowledge was another source of jest around here. I've been called everything from a 'nerd' to a 'bookworm' to a 'boring ancient.' If you let my children tell it, I could really dampen the party when I wanted to. I think that terminology was also known as a 'party pooper.'

He nodded. "Well in that case, then you probably just used pigeons."

I smiled and bit my lip. I shook my head when he wiggled his eyebrows at me. "You keep it up." He bent to tie his shoes. "Keep it up."

"You started it old man." I pinched his side causing another _"really Dad?"_ look. "Dad you know that doesn't hurt rite?"

"_Really_ now?" I sat up and grabbed a sensitive area on the inside of his thigh. He yelped. "You should know that doctors can find the most sensitive spots."

"OW…ow…ow." I held on. "Let go Dad."

"Say uncle."

"Uncle, auntie, cousin, niece and nephew." I released him and fell back on the couch with a satisfied smile on my face. "Dad you're a big ole bully. "

"Hmmm." I reached for him again, but he jerked away from my fingers.

"Alrite Dad! I'm just kiddin' dang!" We laughed for a minute. "Jeez. So passive-aggressive."

"That's what I thought." I said cockily. "So what are you guys getting into today? Or should I even ask?"

There was a glimmer of mischief in his golden eyes. I probably should have been worried. _"Ohhh,_ nothing much." He smiled slyly.

"Hmmm…I don't like the look or sound of that." His eyes danced. "Spill it, cowboy."

"Oh we're just going to catch a movie and then go 'out to eat.' I smiled at his sarcasm. "We won't get into nearly as much as _you_ were into this morning."

I cocked my head to the side and raised an eyebrow at him. It was clear to me that he'd heard my rendezvous with his mother this morning.

_Damn! We can't have one moment!_

"I beg your pardon?" I asked, trying to act nonchalantly about his revelation. To some extent, our children heard us having sex all the time, but we made certain the ones without 'special' abilities never saw us. We had our morals and values. We usually tried to be as reserved as possible when they were around.

"_Oh_," He rubbed his hands over his thighs and then raised them. "I understand Dad." This little Texan devil was taunting me. "We all have to _get_ _into_ a _little_ every now and then."

I raised myself up on my elbow and he was trying to contain his laughter. "Get into _what_ son?"

"The shugga bowl." He made a sucking-tisking noise with his teeth.

"The _what?" Jasper and his southernisms._

"Dad, it's a known fact that the walls talk in this house. No secret there." His eyes gleamed of mischief. He tucked his lips in his mouth to suppress his amusement. I braced myself. "_But_…I never knew that the _windows_ in Edward's Volvo could talk and show _so_ much."

When he registered the astonishment on my face, he lost it. _How in the hell?_ They were not even supposed to be home when Esme and I had decided to be…uhn…uhn…_adventurous_. I was stunned and at a total loss for words. He clutched his side and slid off the couch laughing so hard. He let his head drop on the coffee table and he was gut-busting laughing. I felt my face grow hot and that shouldn't have even been possible.

We rarely veered onto the sexual adventurous road, but when you live forever, you needed to spice things up every now and then to eliminate boredom. I'd always tried to be a gentleman in our bed, but lately my hungry little butterfly had been giving me the impression that she wanted something…_more_. Not wanting to be a disappointing limp noodle, I suggested we go on a trip—_outside_. When we got out there, we saw Edward's Volvo and before long we were inside enthralled in the grips of rugged passion. So, shoot me. I had to admit. It was definitely the best I've had in a while. It took me several minutes to stop 'vibrating.' I felt like a school boy. It was extremely raw and rough. Esme certainly had no complaints.

Jasper caught his breath and held his lips together in an attempt to stop from laughing at my expense. He turned back to me and I must have looked like I'd stolen the golden egg because he put his elbows on his thighs and buried his cackling face in his hands. Venom began to trickle out of his eyes from laughing so hard. This went on for several more minutes and finally he began to stop, wiping his eyes and cheeks to hide the evidence of his enjoyment and my shame.

"Whoo boy!" He managed to breathe out. He wiped his eyes again this time with his t-shirt. He made a fist and put it to his mouth to stop the next flow of laughter. His eyes betrayed him and he was about to burst again as he stared at me through humorous tears. He finally lost it again and dropped his head, choking on a big bubble of sheer pleasure at my little _indiscretion._

"I'm so glad I could humor you, son." I truly was embarrassed. He was too caught up to intercept that. He curled his body tightly towards his bent knees, and still holding his sides, he let out a loud, very manly hoot. I just shook my head as I stared at the wheaten blonde crown of his head. He was gone.

Finally after a few more minutes of his not so relieving comedy, he barely composed himself and looked up at me slurping, coughing, wiping, and whatever else happened when you go into a laughing-crying fit such as this.

"You feel better son?" I asked dryly. He'd busted us…caught us in the act, so there was no use in trying to make excuses. "Got it all out now?"

He balled up his lips and swallowed another round of laughter that threatened to take over him. "I'm sorry, Daddy. It's just _so_ funny." Even though I was the laughing cow, the scandalous source of mockery, I was glad to see my strong soldier melt like this. It was wonderful to see him let his hair down.

"I can see that." I said. "I'm glad you can delight in our 'dramedy.'"

He sniffled. "Whoo, man, oh man." He wiped his face again. "That is some funny stuff rite there!"

"What did you _hear_…or _see_ son?" _Why did I ask that question?_ He looked at me and held his laughter all of ten seconds and went off like a laughing rocket jet again. He plopped his exuberant forehead on my chest. I patted his back. "Must have seen quite a bit."

He was lost in what was obviously an enormously comical memory.

"Go ahead. Laugh it out. Get it all out." He was laughing so hard against my chest that our bodies shook. His venom tears were soaking my cotton t-shirt. "Go on. Just laugh on…"

"I'm sorry." He apologized again, but his words were hung between his laughter and my chest. "I didn't know you had it in ya, Dad."

I just rolled my eyes and shook my head in disbelief. I was going to start taking Esme to a hotel or somewhere from now on. Jeez, my children knew we had sex. This shouldn't have been a surprise for them.

He finally rose up. "Oh gawd." He made a grunting noise. "_That_ had to be the funniest thing I've seen in a while."

I still shook my head. "Well…I'm glad your mother and I could brighten your day."

He smiled and punched me in my shoulder. "I'm proud of ya Dad. You finally came outta the box."

_What the? Was I really that bad? I wonder what Esme must think of my usual bedroom performance. Has she been holding back and not telling me the truth about what she thinks? She probably thinks I'm a wall fly. _I felt my manhood slowly seeping from my body.

He stifled another laugh. "_Waaay_ out of the box." He snorted again, waving his arm to the side. "I mean like broke the box _down_." He laughed and started making 'box folding' movements with his hands. "Tore that sucker _down_ and _crushed_ it. Drop kicked it and burned it, danced on its ashes. Yip. You came outta the box and jumped in a Volvo." His breath hitched in his throat at the memory of Esme and me making love in his brother's vehicle. "Edward is gonna _die_!" He bounced and slapped his knee again at the thought. "He is gonna crap his boxers or maybe bleed 'em. Either way, they're gonna be full! I will pay good money ta see that."

"Jasper, you can't say anything to Edward about this!" _Again, why am I even saying anything in this conversation? This is the Jasper Cullen comedy hour._

"Dad, I'm…" He choked. "Oh, god, oh god…this shit is hilarious." I sighed heavily and he apologized for swearing, the least of my worries. "Sorry Dad, but this is _so_ jacked up. I don't have ta say anything. He's a friggin' mind reader. He's….he's…" _Okay I give up._ He belted out another round. "Edward is gonna pee fire."

I pushed him off the couch and he just curled up in an animated fit. I was sure Esme was hearing this and was wise to keep herself out of this most embarrassing moment. He finally stood up and came to stand in front of me. He patted me on my shoulder as if congratulating my 'efforts.'

"It's amazing what you run into when you forget stuff and have to come back for it."

I looked confused.

"We all left early this mornin' 'cause Alice kept dyin' for us ta leave. I didn't know why then, but I sure know why now. And ta think, all that lust I was feelin' wasn't for Alice. It was you slobberin' for Mom."

My face felt like it was on fire.

"I eventually realized I'd left my things and despite Alice's insistence that I just leave the watch and my wallet, I convinced her it wouldn't take me long ta rush back ta the house ta get 'em. I was gone before she could warn me of your little…."

"…your little…"

He roared back then bent over at waist holding his sides again.

"…your little Volvo romp."

I put my hands on my hips and then covered my face with one hand. I was so embarrassed, but I couldn't help but laugh with him. I had to in order to hide my humiliation.

"Whoo! I always thought Edward's ride was 'bout the lamest thing I've ridden in. I guess it'll never ride the same agin! Edward will be ridin' dirty!"

I laughed out loud as he spun in circles. That was pretty funny. I even heard Esme giggling. I was sure by now Nessie had headphones on or something to keep her from hearing her Uncle Jasper's rendition of our love fest this morning.

"Ya'll had that thing….that….oh gawd…that thing was bouncin' like it had hydraulics on it!" He gasped for very necessary air. "Ahhh, Jesus." He should have been spent by now, however he stood before me howling, thoroughly humored by this.

"Okay Jasper. The joke is obviously on me." I said in a feeble attempt to silence him. It was futile.

"Dad I'm so glad you were on t-ttop…" This could _not_ be happening. "Dad...you...you gotta teach me how to do that bounce…"

"Jasper!" I was laughing with him now. "I'm _not_ teaching you _anything_ and stop this. Nessie is upstairs!"

He covered his mouth and lowered his voice. "Oh. Yeah. I'm sure wouldn't want her to hear how you were spankin' that…"

"Jasper!"

That was Esme.

My son, the nut he was right then, fell straight back and hit the floor…literally. He was rolling from side to side laughing. I just gave up and turned and walked toward the stairs. I made it to the bottom step and Alice burst in with Emmett and Rose in tow.

_Well damn!_

"Sorry Daddy. I came to rescue you from this clown." She said kicking him with her foot. He kept laughing and then she came over and hugged me. "I think it's adorable."

"Yeah it will be until Eddie gets back and gets a whiff of your love in his precious Volvo." Emmett boomed. "I'm sure there may be a handprint or should I say footprint on the windshield."

He and Jasper drowned in their own laughter. Rose came over to me. "I agree with Alice. I think it's sweet Daddy. Don't mind those two fools over there. It's not like they haven't done the _same_ thing before."

"Yeah, but not in Edward's carrrrrr!" Jasper laughed out.

"Dad…I didn't even see or hear it, but I saw Eddie's car when I walked through the garage. It's sittin' on dubs right now. There's a crack in the cement."

Alice balled up her lips to keep from laughing and Rose turned her head away from me so I couldn't see her. She held her breath and put her hands on her hips, swaying side to side in an attempt to hold herself together.

"Seriously?" I hadn't even bothered to look, but I couldn't be sure if Emmett was telling me the truth or not.

They all looked at me and cracked up. "Dad…you meant to tear that as…."

"Emmett!" Esme scolded again from upstairs.

"Romp diddy romp." Emmett boomed. Jasper was in hysterics. "...Gone baby girl, want ya back that thang up..."

My four jackals were quite the opportunistic omnivores right then. They were predators and their mother and I were their prey. They were quite proficient scavengers if I had to say.

"…'Cause when I get that feelin'…" Jasper started singing. "…I need s-sex—sexual…" He was out of breath. "…sexual healin'..."

I stood there listening to them drown out my intended football game. I climbed a few more stairs and saw Esme standing at the top with her arms folded over her chest. She had her hand over mouth and was laughing.

I reached her and stopped, shaking my head. "Those are _your_ children."

She laughed. "Hmmm. _My_ two children aren't here right now."

"…don't you wish your vampire was a freak like me?" Rosie continued a bout of sexually charged songs amongst her partners in crime.

"…come on baby let's ride it, ride it!" Alice chimed in. "...ride it, ride it!"

_Oh not my baby too? She betrayed me!_

"...I don't see nothin' wrong...with a little bump and ride..." That was Jasper offering his two cents-at this point fifty cents.

"…I wanna a lady in da streets, but a freak in da Volvo…" And of course that was Emmett's hip-hop contribution to our shameful fall from grace.

Esme and I just shook our heads at their musical antics and I joined her in the hall in front of our bedroom door.

"…Took her to da Volvo, parked outside, threw her legs up and gave her a ride…" _Emmett raps?_

"…Let's get it onnnn...let's get it onnnn." I laughed out loud at Rosie's off-key one liner. Marvin Gaye would be proud. The kids were like unrepentant caricatures. They were nearly bawling now.

_"Seriously?"_ Esme asked me.

I shrugged. "Nnn- unnknow…Dem yo' babies." She laughed at my ridiculous, practically incoherent English. What could I say? Despite my best efforts, Emmett talked like that all the time.

I dropped my chin to my chest and put my hands on my hips listening to those unruly jesters downstairs. She tried not to laugh but she couldn't help it. I joined her under my breath. It was very entertaining even though they'd successful made us the laughing stock.

"No, no…guys…here….here's Dad." Jasper interjected. He'd laughed so much his voice was strained and squeaked when he talked. "…Girl I gotta show, the freak in me…girl I wanna give you every inch you need…Jump up in my Volvo, I'll take you there."

"Let me ride you thru the night…" Emmett helped him out. "I want it all the time…It's always on my mind…It's just a part of me…sex I love….I love it anywhere…"

"…the bed…"

"…the flo'…"

"…or in the Volvo…"

"Gotta let you know the kind of man i am…Gotta put it down…gotta rep to keep..." Esme must be _so_ proud of _her_ children. I'm sure whoever penned this ridiculous rap song would be thrilled.

I swear I felt the house shaking. The four of them were sprawled everywhere, overtaken with madness.

"…I gotta hottie ridin' shotgun...reclining her seat…she takes a swat...I start to sweat…she goes down on m..."

"Emmett Cullen!" We both scolded him.

Then there was death by laughter.

Esme and I bowed out gracefully, mentally trying to wipe the egg off of our faces, while attempting to save face. We went to Edward's old bedroom on the third floor, and I saw that Esme had wisely put Nessie's headphones on as well as the television and her father's stereo. Thankfully she didn't hear any of the foolishness downstairs.

I turned towards my wife. She laughed and I pulled her to my chest. I laughed with her.

"It was _soo_ worth it." She murmured.

"Yes. Indeed." I said. "Indeed it was."

We hugged each other and laughed. We decided to jump out of the window. Alice would see us leave and look after Nessie. We needed to take a break from the comedians downstairs, and to go inspect Edward's vehicle. I'd planned to take it to have it cleaned later today anyway. Once we reached the garage, I opened the passenger door for her and then grabbed a pair of shoes and got in on the driver's side. I started the engine and looked over at her. She started laughing and hung her head, shaking it from side to side.

I did the same and my body shook from my own laughter. The kids were still at it inside.

Keeping my head down I whispered. "…I wanna lady in da streets…"

She laughed harder and did that sexy flip of her hair. "….but a freak in da Volvo!"

We laughed and I backed out of the garage. I was sure we would never hear the end of our sexventures. I was most certain that Edward was going to have our hides for this one. Well, score one for breaking down the box!

A/N: I would not want to be anywhere near that house when Edward finds out his Volvo was a love nest. Maybe he will get a new car out of the deal.


End file.
